In in the middle of my commitment to The 100 Day Project, my Mother died.
No matter what the relationship one has to their mother, this shift is tectonic. The way one’s world is ordered, the relationship to self and (m)other is changed profoundly. Their is a vast hole, an endless expanse that brings forth an existential reckoning. So, yeah, it’s big, bigger than I ever imagined. All the feelings that arise, some of them can’t be explained, but there they are. Leaky eye syndrome at the coffee shop, in the car, at dance, while putting on a necklace. It’s a heartache that can’t be compared to any other. And, for me, it’s lonely. While I have a wonderful husband by my side and amazing friends who text me daily to let me know they are there and offer support, it is lonely.
I am a motherless child. I have no parents. I am at the top of the family tree. How did this happen? I don’t want to be at the top of the family tree. So many feelings.
Back to my 100 Day Project and 100 Days of Ecstatic Feast. In the midst of my grief, it has been more challenging to find, create, and celebrate the moments of Ecstatic Feast. And challenging too to share them, as is part of the project. However .. I believe from the bottom of my heart the sacred,the profound, the meaning and point of it all is found in our communion with the little and big ecstatic feasts we find and create.
I think that some may look at my life and my 100 Days of Ecstatic Feast as merely showing how awesome my life is. And yes, my life is truly awesome. Some of that has been luck and a lot of it has been of my doing. Any life can look awesome. It’s feeling it that matters.
Like anyone, my regular life includes days that I feel lost, unwell, suffer the world not going my way. And lately I feel so much, it’s almost overwhelming. The point of Ecstatic Feast is to find, create, live, celebrate the things that bring us closer to love, to our own epic bigness, to creating that super awesome life. It’s not about waiting to trip over some awesome and photographing it. It’s about looking for it and more importantly cultivating it. And it’s not about waiting until we feel awesome enough to create and celebrate these wondrous, magical, beautiful, delicious, life-promoting, connected, joyful, sacred, meaningful moments.
And here it is, the point of this writing:
The point is to find, build, activate, live, celebrate the little and big Ecstatic Feasts especially when life is hard … especially when life is hard.
So this has been an amazing opportunity and a gift really. Grief can be consuming. The weight of it has no relationship to gravity and can only be measured by the heart. And though the days are filled with tearful outbursts and existential angst, sadness and fury, weariness and emptiness, I choose to tether myself to that which makes me bigger and takes me higher. We all have this choice.
The 100 Day Project and my commitment to it has once again been an incredible gift.